What do you mean by consolation?
Who says we are seeking it?
If we have a look at some of the more universal definitions of consolation we may get a better idea of how to answer those questions.
The following definition of consolation is simple and yet hopefully revealing:
“Consolation is the comfort received by a person after a loss or disappointment.”
The idea of comfort is perhaps a helpful bridge to our understanding of what seeking consolation means.
Danny suggests that most people go around on most days experiencing multiple disappointments and even many losses without realising it. Very often they appear to be quite minor issues, relatively easy to power through and not important enough to merit time to think about and connect with them. Especially, when there are so many comparatively more pressing things to do and attend to.
If we don’t realise it and we don’t consciously notice, it is unlikely that we will set out to find the comfort that will act as the balm for the loss or the disappointment.
It seems that many of us don’t notice that some of our actions, some of our decisions some of our attitudes and some of our restlessness is a result of the subconscious sense of disappointment and loss that can build and accumulate.
If there is any truth in this notion then that might help us to understand why we fall into bed some nights and start to wonder about some of our behaviours, actions and decisions during the day.
Central to understanding some of these dynamics more clearly are the powerful emotions that very often accompany the disappointments and which are experienced as painful, negative, uninvited and unwanted.
The following extract from Psychology Today may help shed some further light on this interesting exploration.
“Some of the things we do for comfort are not so comforting after all.”
Our culture has erroneously taught us that we should find ways to get rid of negative feelings rather than truly experience them. In addition, a prevailing belief has been that arousal due to anxiety or stress is harmful and that we should do anything possible to suppress or decrease it.
Current research suggests that how we respond to stress determines whether or not it can hurt you. In a long-term study of 30,000 adults, researchers found that the perception that stress is harmful to your health is associated with poor health and mental health.
Certainly, if you are distressed, and become even more distressed by that feeling, the emotion is magnified—it becomes even bigger and more distressing.
In contrast, a healthy response to stress is recognizing that physical stress response symptoms are a sign that your body is preparing itself to meet a challenge.
Taking interest in and accepting negative emotions, rather than suppressing them, is linked with better functioning and less defensive processing.
Avoidance and withdrawal behaviors, as well as attacking oneself, are examples of defensive processing. Naturally, in some circumstances, suppressing your emotions may benefit you. But in everyday life, when you are inclined to suppress anxiety, longing, sadness, shame, or other negative emotions by seeking unhealthy methods of comfort, instead you may want to take a look at what you are feeling and what you can discover from it.
After all, the purpose of an emotion is to make you care by making you feel something, as well as to motivate, energize, and organize your thoughts and actions.
Thus, emotions present you with a tremendous opportunity for learning.
Understandably, sometimes it’s just so hard to sit with them and listen to what they’re trying to tell you.
Mary C Lamia
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/contributors/mary-c-lamia-phd
Seeking Comfort the Impossible Way
Posted January 30, 2015
There is a strong suggestion here that comfort may be found in acknowledging, accepting and staying with powerful emotions in order to make some sense of what is happening to me.
How many people do you know who are practiced and skilled at managing their emotions in this way?
Are you skilled in this way?
Would you be interested in coaching support to help you skill up?
Contact Danny McGuigan:
Tel: 07850 143 209
Email: email@dannymcguigan.com
